Category Archives: My Mother

Learning, Learning all the time, My Mother

Watermelon, Honey Bees and Silly Bandz…

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It has been a good few days.† School is going awesome.† We have some great outings coming up that we can’t wait for!

This past week was my Mother’s Birthday.† Kei wanted to make Mother a card which she did.† She wrote on it and so did I.† She addressed it to :

Me <which is how my Mother always signed everything!>

0 Heaven Street

Anywhere, Anytime.

She climbed up in the tree to attach it.† I guess she thought the tree was closer to Heaven.

We were cutting up watermelon, which I love!† Kei honestly flipped a piece on top of her head!† I was laughing so hard and screaming, “Don’t move, Don’t move”.† She said, “I know I know, the camera for the blog right?”† It was so funny.

Duh...

Our hummingbird feeders got invaded by Honey bees.† I couldn’t believe it.† They were everywhere.† My brother said it was so dry that all the flowers have died and there is no nectar so they are getting it from the sugar water.

Nectar Searching Bees....

Daddy bought us a new hammock for our stand but unfortunately it didn’t fit our stand.† Kei and I made a new swing for her with it.† She is loving it.

Hanging Around

Today when we went to church Kei had so many silly bandz on I almost said something about it.† Then I remember me in the 80’s wearing bangles from my wrist to my elbow.† I told her they were awesome. 🙂

Silly Silly Bandz

We are looking forward to this week.† I finished her lesson plans just a bit ago.† If you haven’t already check out http://www.currclick.com They are giving away 20 freebies for Pirate Week.† Just click around and find the ‘treasure chests’.† There are some great freebies!!!† Here are some hints for where they are hidden.† Enjoy!

Starting on the home page: www.currclick.com

1. Pirate banner (top of page)
2. Bottom of page
3. Top 100 products (right side of page)
4. Free Stuff (left side of page)
5. Follow your favorites (click notices on left side of page)
6. About CurrClick
7. Quick Start Guide/ FAQ’s
8. Troubleshooting
9. Contact us
10. Privacy Policy
Starting in Account:
11. View or change account settings
12. View or change my billing address
13. Change my account password
14. View the orders I have made (also same as show all orders on top of page)
15. View all products I’ve purchased with download links
16. View all products updated since my last download
17. View all products awaiting my review
18. Select how I wish to be contacted by publishers
19. Wishlist

Have a wonderful, blessed week!

“Living is learning and when kids are living fully and energetically and happily they are learning a lot, even if we don’t always know what it is. ”
~John Holt

My beautiful child, My Mother

Circles, Birthday and Coming Home…

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I spent my 20ís married.† Young, broke at first, silly, thinking I knew it all but in reality knowing nothing.† We lived like young, cool, hip twenty-somethings.† Had an awesome modern cool house that everything matched down to the napkins.† Had friends galore, partying like there was no tomorrow, living for the moment, not taking time to stop and look around, not appreciating all I had.

I spent my 30ís searching.† Grasping after the elusive love that I just knew was out there.† Supporting myself, working 3 jobs at times, making ends meet.† Moved to California with a boy who I thought would complete me.† Got a job at the coolest place on earth.†† Just knew I was a California girl trapped in an Alabama girlís body.† Living for the moment, not taking time to stop and look around, not appreciating all I had.

My 40ís were rediscovery.† Changing everything I ever thought was important.† Priorities changed, I moved back home, to where I belonged all along. †What a clichÈ right?† I had to travel to the other end of the country to finally realize that here is where I should be.

I then became the best thing I have ever been; a Mommy.

I finally trust in my God to know what is best for me.† All along He had this plan.† I wonder how many times he shook his head and wondered if I would ever get it.† When I pray, I thank Him for my journey. All the ups and downs and mistakes.† †I know that without it I would not be where I am today.

I finally understand that this moment is important.† †This flower, this butterfly, this starry filled night.† Who cares if there is dust under the bed or the pillows are all on the floor ?† I take Keiís hand and we dance in the kitchen not caring that our socks are dirty when we are done.† We roll around on the bed with Nomad not caring that the dog hair is flying all around us.† We go down to the creek and slip around in slimy algae not caring that our clothes are wet and yucky.† We watch movies all day long, snuggled on the couch, and not do one other single thing.† We speak with a British accent all day and let the dishes pile up in the sink.† When Kei is grown, these are the memories I want her to cherish.

I lay outside in the hammock last night and looked up at the stars.† I wondered if 40 years ago I lay in the same place, in this same house and looked up at the same stars and wondered where my life would take me?† Never would I have believed it would come full circle.† That I would end up here, where I began.

That I would be on this amazing journey with MY child, educating her at home. ††Living a life full of laughter and love and learning and secret handshakes and dances and made up songs and hugs and kisses and sad penguin waddles and laughing until it hurts and amazing friends and a church that is so important to us and a silly yellow Lab that we adore.

Today is my Motherís birthday.† She always wanted only one thing for me; happiness.† I think she must be in Heaven, smiling down, secure in the knowledge that finally, after all the twists and turns and drama and craziness of my life; she got her wish.

Happy Birthday Mother.

Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived.

~Captain Jean-Luc Picard
Learning, My beautiful child, My Mother, Nomad

Missing, Dog’s Life & Happiness….

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The 2nd anniversary of my Mother’s death came and went. I laid in bed on the eve of her anniversary in the same room she died in. I thought it would really upset me to be in there and while I didn’t sleep much, it wasn’t a ‘freaking out’ restlessness.

I remember that night. My brother and I spent the night here. We knew Mother didn’t have long. It was a horribly long night. They had hooked her up to a breathing machine and I spent most of the night on her floor listening to her struggle to breath. My 2 aunts stayed late. When they left it was just my Daddy, my brother and I. I finally got on the couch and spent all night back and forth from the den to her room. I talked to her and held her hand and touched her face. I remember looking at the clock at one point and it was 3:00 AM. That is such a lonely time. I remember thinking “I don’t know if I can exist in a 3 am that doesn’t have my Mother in it”.

We woke the next morning early, around 6:00. Eddie and I knew that she was almost gone. I called my aunts to ask them to come. They got here around 7:30. We all sat around her bed talking to her. All of us except my Daddy. He couldn’t handle it. It made me think of the line from “Steel Magnolias”, “I find it amusing. Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something. I just sat there. I just held Shelby’s hand. There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. Oh god. I realize as a woman how lucky I am.” My Mother breathed her final breath at 8:03 AM on May 10th. I walked outside and was surprised to see the world moving on. The sun was out, birds were singing, flowers blooming and my Mother was dead. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life.

But time marches on. We are living in her house. We are loving living here and I have discovered I actually like yard work. I have never done it. I grew up with 2 brothers who did the yard work. When I was married my husband did the yard work. Since then I have lived in apartments. But I enjoy it. I am learning, slowly about flowers and shrubs and just yard stuff.

Nomad is adorable. We are loving having him in our family. I never thought I would ever be a ‘dog person’ but I love him. Kei is wonderful with him and we don’t even mind the 3:00 AM potty breaks. He is the cutest thing.

A girl and her dog

Isn’t he just beautiful??

Awwwww

We had Brit and Cody here for a few days and had a blast.† Kei and Brit gave Nomad his first bath.† The girls loved it, Nomad not so much.

They played games, sang, talked and gave Nomad tons of attention.

Rub a Dub Dog..

Kei and I put up a Stage Curtain for outdoor plays.† Her and Nomad put on their 1st of what I am sure is many plays.† Nomad had 3 roles, a lion, an alligator and a bunny.† I was cracking up.

Hippity Hop Bark
Finale

I love living here.† I love our yard.† I love sitting in the rose garden and reading in the swing.† I love waking up early in the morning and walking outside and everything is crisp and lovely.† I love watching the birds and squirrels and bunnies and chipmunks.† I love the feel of the cool clovers on my bare feet.† I love watching my sweet girl running with her dog.† Life is good.

Blessings,

Life, My Mother

October Blessings….

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Hi Momma,

It is October, your favorite month. The trees are just now beginning to turn. I think we should have a spectacular fall because of all the rain. You would love it. When I walk outside and I feel that crisp fall feeling in the air, I always think of you.

It has been almost 1 1/2 since you left me. I miss you so much still. Kei and I cleaned out your closets and drawers last week. I ran across so many memories. It was a hard day for me. I talked to you while I worked, did you hear me?

I had a yard sale with all your clothes this past week. You had so many blouses. I remember buying so many of them. It was sad seeing all your shirts blowing in the breeze, some of them still smelling like your perfume, but Kei and I prayed that they would go to people who love them as much as you did.

Things are still hard with me financially. I am doing a little better but still it is hard at times. Continue to watch over us please. Sometimes I can almost feel your arms around me and it gives me comfort.

Daddy has met someone. She is a kind, good woman. The biggest compliment I can give her is that you would like her. She collects elephants just like you did and loves antiquing and estate sales. It was hard for me at first but I remember all the times you told me that you didn’t want Daddy to be alone when you were gone. She is good to Daddy and takes care of him and she is good to us. Kei wasn’t very happy about it but they invited her to dinner and she feels much better. She has started including her in her prayers instead of just for “Bull”. Daddy is taking care of me, just like you always told him to. Daddy and I have become much closer since you are gone. He is calmer and less easily angered also.

Kei and I are maybe going to move into your house. I think you would like that. I hope that I can remember more stories about when I was little to share with Kei. I share stories with her all the time. She reminds me of you in many ways, her sense of humor and her favorite foods. We moved into that house when I was 9 so it feels very right that we move there when Kei is 9. It is a big job though, because you know how much stuff you have! It seems like it will never be cleaned out.

Kei has gotten so big Momma. She is so smart and sweet. We are loving homeschooling this year. She is learning so much. My biggest regret is that you and she didn’t get to spend more time together. I talk about you all the time. I don’t want her to ever forget you.

I made chicken stew the other day. It is the first time I have made it since I made it for you. It made me so sad.

Oh Momma, I miss you. I miss your hugs and talking to you and your presence . I miss not having you here. I miss not seeing you. But I am doing really well. You were always so worried about how I would be when you were gone. You would be proud of me. I am proud of me but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss you.

I wish you didn’t have to leave us so early but I know you are in a glorious place. One day, we will be together again. I will hug you and jump up and down with joy and dance and laugh.

I am now a daughter without a mother, but I am finding out I am much stronger than I ever believed I was. You knew it all along didn’t you?

I love you my sweet Mother.

Karen

 

My Mother

Happy Mother’s Day

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Today is the day.

1 year ago my Mother died.† I can’t believe it has been a year.

It seems like forever. It seems like yesterday.

There has not been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought of and missed my Mother.† Kei tells me that many nights as I fall asleep, I call for her.

I still see her take her last breath.† I remember how I felt when I walked outside and sat in the garden.† The sun was shining so brightly and I was motherless. I remember thinking that nothing will ever be right again. At times, I still feel that way.

Her death has changed me.† I am more convinced than ever that homeschooling Kei is the right thing.† I want to savor every moment of her childhood.† I hug her more often.† We dance in the kitchen more and sing songs at the top of our lungs. I stop and smell the roses more often.† I try to make better choices. I pray more.† I thank God more.† I watch the beauty of nature more.† I appreciate my Daddy more.† I try to be kinder to people more.

Her death has changed my Daddy.† He is calmer, more accepting of things that donít matter.† He doesn’t stress over things.† How sad that the love of his life had to die, for him to finally understand that life is too short for quick anger.

I talk to her a lot, but sometimes I wish she could answer.† Kei and I talk about her.† I don’t want K to forget her.† Countless times I have needed her, to ask about a recipe, to tell her something Kei said or did, just to ask her a ëmotherí question. This has been a hard year financially for us; and I often I wish I could talk to her about it. I wish she could give me advice. When things were going crazy in my life, she always said, ëDonít worry babe, things will be fineí; and I would say ìPromise meî and she would say, ìI promise.î

I wish I had hugged her more.† I wish I hadn’t ever gotten frustrated with her.† I wish I had spent more time with her. I wish I had her voice on my answering machine.† I wish I could hold her hand.† I wish I could still smell her perfume, I wish she would call me and ask me to make her chicken stew,†I wish I could hear her call me her baby. I wish she could call me and tell me good night.

And a year later, it still hurts so badly and I still need my Mother and she is gone.

Happy Mother’s Day,

Karen

beautiful-mom

Field Trip, Holidays, Learning all the time, Life, My Mother, nature, Weather

The Old House…

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mamaw

My daddyís mom and dad lived in Moulton.

They were older. Even when I was small they were old. I loved my Mamaw more than anything when I was little. She never wore pants, always dresses and stockings with elastic garters. Mamaw loved red; even though she was a little embarrassed about the fact that she did. [She considered red a ëloose womanísíí color]† We went to their house almost every Sunday.†

About twice a month they would come spend the night with us. We always went to pick them up because even though my Papaw drove around town, he didnít drive distances. Mamaw would always let me pack her overnight bag. I loved picking out her dresses that she would wear.

Every summer I would spend a week or so with Mamaw and Papaw. They had a great house with a farm. It was strange because they lived on a farm but they lived in the middle of town. I would help gather eggs and milk the cows. It is sad that Kei has never done those things. Mamaw and I would walk to ëtowní. I loved it. It was right down the block but I always felt so grown up.

I have so many memories of my Mamaw and Papaw. The both lived to be in their 90ís. But by that time I was older and didnít spend so much time with them.

I loved their house. It was a big old farmhouse, over a hundred years old.† My daddy told me they bought it for $2500, with 16 acres! When my grandparents died, he and his brothers sold it for $20,000. It is for sale now. The asking price is $136,900!!!! They have even put in a pool!† That is with NO acres. My daddy didnít believe me, he came over here to look on the internet. He said that Mamaw and Papaw would faint if they knew how much it was.† I wish we could buy it. I would even live in Moulton!

I would give anything if, just† for one day, I could grab Keiís hand and pull her back in time. Back to Mamawís front porch, with Daddy making home made ice cream and Papaw smoking his cigar and Momma and Mamaw inside cooking fried chicken with all the trimmings. I would show her the pond and climb my favorite tree with her, I would show her the hole in the barn where we would throw apples, and the grapevines and the wraparound porch that we would play game after game of chase. We would quietly crawl under the house so I could show her the wild kittens that were just born. I would show her the secret room in the back of the house that we made up scary stories about. She could sit in Mamawís lap on the front porch rocker and feel so loved and happy. I miss my Mamaw and Papaw, but mostly I miss my Momma.

Happy Wednesday,

<3

K/K

My Mother

Month 2…

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Yesterday was a very hard day for me.

2 months ago my mom died.

I asked my aunt, “Is it always going to be like this? Forever more, the 10th will be ‘The Day Mother Died’

She said it would get better.

For 2 months I have grieved but during that grief I have accepted.

Yesterday I just wanted my mother back! Now! This minute!

Yesterday I was angry.

Grief is so strange. Not at all like I imagined……

Today is better…

Tomorrow…who knows.

I miss you so much momma.

I love you always.

HomeSchool, My Mother

Laughter and Tears…

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Yesterday KB and I went on a picnic. We do that a lot. We went to Publix and got a few cheeses and some bread and went over to the Park by the river.

We were talking about things and I realized that I don’t really like living here anymore. I don’t know if that is a normal reaction since Momma died. I am sure that is most of it.

KB and I have decided we want to live in Mayberry! And yes she knows Mayberry, she knows ALL 60’s 70’s and 80’s TV. And 80’s songs. I dread the day when she realizes I am not as cool as she thinks I am and the things I know aren’t everything in the world!!

When we left the park we went by the cemetery, which I haven’t been to until yesterday. It was very hard. I sat there, on the ground beside this hard, red mound and cried my eyes out. I almost couldn’t bear the thoughts of my mom down there, even though I know she isn’t there. I had a crazed moment that I just wanted to claw at the dirt and get to her. KB is so good, she hugged me and told me Baba was in heaven and look how pretty it was here [she is under a tree] and that Baba would have loved it here, because she hated to be hot. Then KB got a piece of paper and wrote JEAN/BABA on it and stuck it, with a stick, on her grave with an old faded silk flower.

I feel so strange about Momma, on one hand I always thought I would be on the ground kicking and screaming and I am not doing that. But on the other hand, I feel like nothing will ever be quite right again. Like no matter how happy I am, there is an underlying sense of sadness.

All in all though, it was a good day. When we got home KB got in the pool and had to show me her Water Ballet/Karate Routine. I love this child!

My Mother

30 Days Later…

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One month,
the amount of time for the moon to cycle,
30 days,
One month today my mother has been gone.

It seems like so much longer,
it seems like only yesterday.
I am doing fine,
I am falling to pieces.

It still doesn’t seem real.
Or real in a surreal sort of way.
Grief is so strange.
It isn’t at all like I thought it would be.

Most of the time I am fine
Then, like a train hitting my body,
I am breathless,
With a voice in my head screaming, “I will never talk to my mother again!”.

She has always answered my questions,
“How do I cook fresh green beans?”
“KB has a strange red rash”
“How do I remove grass stains?”

Now I have no mother.
I am motherless.
How can that be?
She has always been my one constant in an unconstant world.

One month today.
I miss you so much Momma.

Life, My Mother

Missing…

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I miss my mother so much.

It isn’t a “lay on the floor and sob and never get up” kind of missing.

Although I have done that. It is just an ache…that is always with me.

People always say, “I almost picked up the phone and called her” when someone they love dies. It isn’t that with me, it is just an immediate thought that pops in my head, “I have to tell Mother that”

I was making potato salad the other day for the first time in forever. I couldn’t remember exactly how to make it and thought, “I have to call and ask Mom” and I just cried. I can never call and ask her anything again.

No matter how much I know she is better now, she is free and in no pain, I miss her. I want one more perfect day.

I wish I had appreciated more perfect days. I am trying to do that now…

We all should…always….