Yesterday KB and I went on a picnic. We do that a lot. We went to Publix and got a few cheeses and some bread and went over to the Park by the river.

We were talking about things and I realized that I don’t really like living here anymore. I don’t know if that is a normal reaction since Momma died. I am sure that is most of it.

KB and I have decided we want to live in Mayberry! And yes she knows Mayberry, she knows ALL 60’s 70’s and 80’s TV. And 80’s songs. I dread the day when she realizes I am not as cool as she thinks I am and the things I know aren’t everything in the world!!

When we left the park we went by the cemetery, which I haven’t been to until yesterday. It was very hard. I sat there, on the ground beside this hard, red mound and cried my eyes out. I almost couldn’t bear the thoughts of my mom down there, even though I know she isn’t there. I had a crazed moment that I just wanted to claw at the dirt and get to her. KB is so good, she hugged me and told me Baba was in heaven and look how pretty it was here [she is under a tree] and that Baba would have loved it here, because she hated to be hot. Then KB got a piece of paper and wrote JEAN/BABA on it and stuck it, with a stick, on her grave with an old faded silk flower.

I feel so strange about Momma, on one hand I always thought I would be on the ground kicking and screaming and I am not doing that. But on the other hand, I feel like nothing will ever be quite right again. Like no matter how happy I am, there is an underlying sense of sadness.

All in all though, it was a good day. When we got home KB got in the pool and had to show me her Water Ballet/Karate Routine. I love this child!