Tag Archives: GRIEF

My Mother

Happy Mother’s Day

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Today is the day.

1 year ago my Mother died.† I can’t believe it has been a year.

It seems like forever. It seems like yesterday.

There has not been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought of and missed my Mother.† Kei tells me that many nights as I fall asleep, I call for her.

I still see her take her last breath.† I remember how I felt when I walked outside and sat in the garden.† The sun was shining so brightly and I was motherless. I remember thinking that nothing will ever be right again. At times, I still feel that way.

Her death has changed me.† I am more convinced than ever that homeschooling Kei is the right thing.† I want to savor every moment of her childhood.† I hug her more often.† We dance in the kitchen more and sing songs at the top of our lungs. I stop and smell the roses more often.† I try to make better choices. I pray more.† I thank God more.† I watch the beauty of nature more.† I appreciate my Daddy more.† I try to be kinder to people more.

Her death has changed my Daddy.† He is calmer, more accepting of things that donít matter.† He doesn’t stress over things.† How sad that the love of his life had to die, for him to finally understand that life is too short for quick anger.

I talk to her a lot, but sometimes I wish she could answer.† Kei and I talk about her.† I don’t want K to forget her.† Countless times I have needed her, to ask about a recipe, to tell her something Kei said or did, just to ask her a ëmotherí question. This has been a hard year financially for us; and I often I wish I could talk to her about it. I wish she could give me advice. When things were going crazy in my life, she always said, ëDonít worry babe, things will be fineí; and I would say ìPromise meî and she would say, ìI promise.î

I wish I had hugged her more.† I wish I hadn’t ever gotten frustrated with her.† I wish I had spent more time with her. I wish I had her voice on my answering machine.† I wish I could hold her hand.† I wish I could still smell her perfume, I wish she would call me and ask me to make her chicken stew,†I wish I could hear her call me her baby. I wish she could call me and tell me good night.

And a year later, it still hurts so badly and I still need my Mother and she is gone.

Happy Mother’s Day,

Karen

beautiful-mom

My Mother

Month 2…

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Yesterday was a very hard day for me.

2 months ago my mom died.

I asked my aunt, “Is it always going to be like this? Forever more, the 10th will be ‘The Day Mother Died’

She said it would get better.

For 2 months I have grieved but during that grief I have accepted.

Yesterday I just wanted my mother back! Now! This minute!

Yesterday I was angry.

Grief is so strange. Not at all like I imagined……

Today is better…

Tomorrow…who knows.

I miss you so much momma.

I love you always.

HomeSchool, My Mother

Laughter and Tears…

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Yesterday KB and I went on a picnic. We do that a lot. We went to Publix and got a few cheeses and some bread and went over to the Park by the river.

We were talking about things and I realized that I don’t really like living here anymore. I don’t know if that is a normal reaction since Momma died. I am sure that is most of it.

KB and I have decided we want to live in Mayberry! And yes she knows Mayberry, she knows ALL 60’s 70’s and 80’s TV. And 80’s songs. I dread the day when she realizes I am not as cool as she thinks I am and the things I know aren’t everything in the world!!

When we left the park we went by the cemetery, which I haven’t been to until yesterday. It was very hard. I sat there, on the ground beside this hard, red mound and cried my eyes out. I almost couldn’t bear the thoughts of my mom down there, even though I know she isn’t there. I had a crazed moment that I just wanted to claw at the dirt and get to her. KB is so good, she hugged me and told me Baba was in heaven and look how pretty it was here [she is under a tree] and that Baba would have loved it here, because she hated to be hot. Then KB got a piece of paper and wrote JEAN/BABA on it and stuck it, with a stick, on her grave with an old faded silk flower.

I feel so strange about Momma, on one hand I always thought I would be on the ground kicking and screaming and I am not doing that. But on the other hand, I feel like nothing will ever be quite right again. Like no matter how happy I am, there is an underlying sense of sadness.

All in all though, it was a good day. When we got home KB got in the pool and had to show me her Water Ballet/Karate Routine. I love this child!

My Mother

30 Days Later…

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One month,
the amount of time for the moon to cycle,
30 days,
One month today my mother has been gone.

It seems like so much longer,
it seems like only yesterday.
I am doing fine,
I am falling to pieces.

It still doesn’t seem real.
Or real in a surreal sort of way.
Grief is so strange.
It isn’t at all like I thought it would be.

Most of the time I am fine
Then, like a train hitting my body,
I am breathless,
With a voice in my head screaming, “I will never talk to my mother again!”.

She has always answered my questions,
“How do I cook fresh green beans?”
“KB has a strange red rash”
“How do I remove grass stains?”

Now I have no mother.
I am motherless.
How can that be?
She has always been my one constant in an unconstant world.

One month today.
I miss you so much Momma.