Sometimes it is hard to not have money to do things, worried about every bill and every dime spent. Times like this, when my job is nonexistent I question every decision I have made. Would it be better if I found a real job as my Dad would say?
I do not believe for one second that you would be better off in school. I know this is Gods plan for us and I trust in him to hold us up in hard times. I do trust, but I also feel so much doubt at times.
At the pool the other day I sat and watched little girls, girls with their little tummies in their 2 piece bathing suits, walking carefully through the water. I watched them try to outrun the waves and jump over them; always at the wrong time. Seeing their delight and hearing their giggles I felt so nostalgic for days like that with you.
You are growing up so fast, this beautiful combination of little girl and young woman. I want you to slow down, is time on fast forward? Why does it go so fast? I try to treasure each moment, to savor the loveliness of you but life gets in the way at times.
I read a book to you a couple of weeks ago, Let Me Hold You Longer by Karen Kingsbury. I couldn’t even get through it. I just lay on the hammock beside you and sobbed. You said what you always say when I cry over something sentimental, “Silly Momma”. But you didn’t really understand how could you? You have never loved a child beyond all else. The book is about how we celebrate all of our children’s Firsts. First walk, first word, first time riding a bike, first time reading .but we don’t celebrate the lasts because we do not know they are the last.
And I started thinking about your fairy houses forever you have built them since you could pack mud together in your tiny little hands. Hours and hours were spent outside with you building beautiful, intricate houses and stores for the fairies to visit. I always sat with you and read to you. Do you remember I told you that the fairies leave sparkles behind when they visit? You would rush outside each morning, fascinated to see the fairy dust left everywhere. You would trace their routes and be delighted that they paused a moment in this section or that one. You would make up stories about what they did in each part of your houses.
Now in this summer of your 12th year there has been no fairy houses. You built some in the Spring, I know you did but when exactly? I gently ask you every now and then, Do you want to build Fairy Houses today? and you say, Not today Mom, but I will.
Did I miss your last time?
Karen
Last time you caught a frog in that old backyard pond…
Last time when you ran barefoot across our fresh-cut lawn,
Silly scattered images to represent your past.
Would I have taken pictures…if I’d known they were the last? `Karen Kingsbury
Linking up with Hip Homeschool Moms
Oh, I feel it too. The heaviness and the pain. The excitement to see them mature and reach a new stage but the sadness at the little girl that is no more. My oldest is almost 12 – I can hardly believe it. I don’t have much time left and sometimes I panic. Of all the old fashioned advice I soak in, it is to savor every moment and opportunity this coming school year. I pray I don’t fall into the trap of checking off assignments and workbook pages but instead focus on “us”. Wonderful post! It certainly got me thinking today…and daydreaming 🙂
oh my! now i am crying! you are doing the right thing spending this time with her, a real job would take you away from her more.
i feel this with Allie, too. In so many ways she is grown up now, and there are benefits to that. But she will never be my little girl again…not quite the same. ok, I am crying… For me, I am trying to look at all the wonderful things we get do now together that she is this age and try NOT to miss that age so much. Jason always tells me that if I am so focused on what WAS and how great that was, then I will miss out on how great THIS is…it’s hard though…
I know exactly how you feel! Part fear, part excitement, part sadness. 13 and on her way toward womanhood. It’s almost too much to bear!
This made me teary and I’m one for celebrating things like lasts more than feeling sad about them usually. Davan has always clung so long to things that I usually feel pretty ready to move on by the time she does. I’m so glad, overall, though, that she’s taking her time growing up. 14 can be so artificially worldly and that certainly isn’t happening at my house.
I hope you’re money worries come to an end soon, but it’s hard to believe that there is a better path for you and Kei than this one.
Oh My Karen……this is beautiful. 12 is a unique age…not quite grown up…certainly not a little girl. It is magical and mysterious. There are so many firsts and also a few lasts. Each first has shaped them into the wonderful girls they are and each first will bring them new and exciting opportunities. She is blessed to have had these firsts with you. You are an inspiration.
~Jess
What a beautiful post! They do grow up fast, don’t they? And, I’d never thought before about how we celebrate ‘firsts’, but not ‘lasts’… because we truly don’t know when those ‘lasts’ happen!
As far as work, I will say a prayer for you this morning. I know that must be so hard!
I am crying as I read this…I feel the same.
Thank you for putting it into words so beautifully.
Hugs for you mama!!
Oh, KarenÖ this was just beautiful. What an amazing, gentle, loving, moving post. Wow.
Beautifully expressed…
I hope you are working again soon.
Oh, you really hit home with that one, Momma. Don’t get me to start crying…
This post is just beautiful Karen! It made me feel weepy for last moments unrecognized…
You know, now that you mention it, my girls haven’t built any fairy houses this summer. They’ve talked about it, but they haven’t really made any in quite a while.
Ok, now you have me crying! 🙂 What a beautiful post. You expressed the sentiments that so many of us experience with our children. They just grow up too fast. I find myself wishing to go back in time or just to slow it down a bit… Many hugs to you!